Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
