Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
