i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
