oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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