omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
being pregnant is like rehab
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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