you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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