I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
