I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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