He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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