He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
