If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
