evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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