i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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