I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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