cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
