I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
