I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
