found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just forgot I was standing up.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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