3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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