I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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