I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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