I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize