Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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