I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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