You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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