I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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