just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
