How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is my gift to your gina
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
