Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you inspire me to be a worse person
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
