I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
