i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
