Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
