I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
