It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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