I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize