Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
