My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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