You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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