Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
