Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
