I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am one with the molecules
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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