the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
don't judge my taste in strippers
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
