Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
