i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
