I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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