my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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