i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
