I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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