I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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