Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
