I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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