I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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