It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
