I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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