I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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