i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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