Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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