Need sex. Gaining weight.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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