no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
