last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
